new home.

i'm on the move again.

http://threepennystory.wordpress.com

i still love hiroshima mon amour.

solitude

and the truth is that i just feel so unbearably lonely.

all my friends have moved on without me. all along, all that i've been to everyone around me is a mere side show, a modest percentage of their fulfilling lives.

fuck pity. who said i was asking for that?

i just realized the truth.

i am lonely. so very lonely.

i'm all alone.

God give me strength.

****

i hate all these words that one is faced with. i often wonder why the hell i am the way i am. maybe i've been brought up in the utterly wrong way. no one appreciates the value in me. there's nothing i have that i can offer in exchange for my dreams. it's like poison, this whole lack of self-worth and understanding.

i wish i could just end it all. erase my entire existence and start the world on its course anew. i weep for my parents, knowing that they had lost a child after they had me. i wonder why i was spared instead. i grieve for the opportunity cost of my existence. maybe the world could have had one more scientist, lawyer, a beautiful girl; someone to contribute something to it rather than to act like a worthless parasite. what good is literature to the world? what good is a half-formed mind to literature? how dare i call myself a student of literature when i can't even write a proper essay? who am i, mediocre nobody, struggling to keep up the pretense that i'm actually worth anything.

who set up the stage/conditions/prerequisites for the death of the heart? i wish i didn't have a soul. perhaps i could find greater peace in being a mindless pebble washed by the waves of the sea.

tell me. would you all then be happy?

strange.

somehow it doesn't hurt as much as it once did.

either i've grown up or i've given in.

help.

the shadows of the past have come back to haunt me.

God, are you still there?

happy easter

"greater love has no one than this, that He gave up His life for His friends."

my faith is not as grounded as it should be, and i've barely said "i believe" enough. but i know You are the only one, who loves me perfectly, and i pledge to You my own imperfect love; come what may, Daddy, i love You. these words i penned some years ago, still hold.

i do not have the voice to sing,
to exalt You on angel wings;
i am so small, i am so weak
and when i fall, it's all so bleak

i wish i could be stronger
i wish i could be wiser
i wish for things i never knew
they only matter because of You

and this is my fairy tale,
this is my happy ending
this is how i know i'm real
You made me see past Heaven's veil

this is my song, i will be strong,
as long as You are here with me
though i may fall, i'll get through it all
Your love makes it so easy;
You died for me on Calvary,
embraced me in Your blood, Your soul;
and in this world, You're all i know-
this love story will never grow old

in darkness You will light my way
guide me through the night and day
and i know i'm Your shooting star
upon Your wings i'll fly so far

i wish the world could love You
i wish they all would praise You
i wish they'd see what i do see
without You, there would be no me

and You are my fairy tale
You are my happy ending
You are how i know i'm real
You made me see past Heaven's veil

this is my song, i will be strong
i know You're always here with me
though i may fall, i'll get through it all
Your love makes it so easy;
You died for me on Calvary,
embraced me in Your blood, Your soul;
Your Truth and Love are all i know-
this love story will never grow old


-to God; who made it all possible ~ i love You Daddy