happy easter

"greater love has no one than this, that He gave up His life for His friends."

my faith is not as grounded as it should be, and i've barely said "i believe" enough. but i know You are the only one, who loves me perfectly, and i pledge to You my own imperfect love; come what may, Daddy, i love You. these words i penned some years ago, still hold.

i do not have the voice to sing,
to exalt You on angel wings;
i am so small, i am so weak
and when i fall, it's all so bleak

i wish i could be stronger
i wish i could be wiser
i wish for things i never knew
they only matter because of You

and this is my fairy tale,
this is my happy ending
this is how i know i'm real
You made me see past Heaven's veil

this is my song, i will be strong,
as long as You are here with me
though i may fall, i'll get through it all
Your love makes it so easy;
You died for me on Calvary,
embraced me in Your blood, Your soul;
and in this world, You're all i know-
this love story will never grow old

in darkness You will light my way
guide me through the night and day
and i know i'm Your shooting star
upon Your wings i'll fly so far

i wish the world could love You
i wish they all would praise You
i wish they'd see what i do see
without You, there would be no me

and You are my fairy tale
You are my happy ending
You are how i know i'm real
You made me see past Heaven's veil

this is my song, i will be strong
i know You're always here with me
though i may fall, i'll get through it all
Your love makes it so easy;
You died for me on Calvary,
embraced me in Your blood, Your soul;
Your Truth and Love are all i know-
this love story will never grow old


-to God; who made it all possible ~ i love You Daddy

apologia

to God:

i'm sorry for being a bad daughter, for lack the zeal and biblical knowledge. i pray only when i need You, and i still can't quote from the Bible. i've never read it back to back, and most of all, i can't appreciate the greatest gift that You've given me. i succumb to self loathing as a result of measuring myself against the benchmark that the world constructed, when really, the only benchmark that matters is the negated one which You set, because all reason for Your love for me is based on the basic fact that i am. yet, i'm filled with such greed, and what i strive for is for someone to love me with a love that's exclusive and similarly to become a person worthy of that love. and it seems that no matter what i do, i fall short of that. and i'm not able to protect You from the abuse You're unfairly subjected to and i end up even complicit in it, by laughing instead of crying. what kind of a daughter am i?

to my parents:

i'm not the dutiful, loving daughter that you all expect me to be. i don't do well enough in my studies and as if that was not enough, i don't do well enough in life. i'm not someone who you can brag about; and i talk back more than i should. i don't sleep at 10pm, resulting in making you worry about my health, my mental well being. everything. you'd think that i'd improve after 21 years, but no. i guess not. i wish i was still the little girl i was too. at least then, i made you laugh. and i'm just so incredibly intellectually challenged that it's not funny anymore.

to my boyfriend:

i constantly plague you with my idealism, romanticism.. all those "-ism"s that have no place in the world other than in a literary fantasy world. i impose my insecurities upon you, and reward you with a love that is so self-consuming, double-edged, and i end up usually by upsetting both of us over something that shouldn't even have been an issue at all.

to my friends:

i suck at friendships. i realize that now. i'm too caught up in my own world and problems and when it comes to being a source of support, i fall short. i'm no longer there when you need me, nor do i make an effort to meet up. no excuses made. i'm just too caught up in my "i, i, i, i". my hurt. my pain. my personal self worth [or the lack of it]. i'm no fun to be around with anymore. that is, if i'm even around to begin with. i allow us to grow apart without doing anything about it, without even realizing it.



no fight. where is the fight to be put up? what is the battle that we are faced with? i don't know anymore. it seems that with regards to everything that is important to me, everything that matters, i fall short. i want to make you all happy. i want to be worthy of your love. but no. that's not what happens. i set out with the best intentions which somehow manage to turn around and shoot me in the face.

frankly? i don't know where to go from here, so it would help, if you would just tell me. what can i do, to make you happy? because i don't know anymore. i don't know how to be myself.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry, i'm sorry i'm sorry.

but don't you forget, anyone of you, all of you. that i do love you. i just screwed up.

oh God, what should i do?

caffeinated hallucinations

on some days, it's a grand task just getting out of bed. dejavu plays a tricky game on the comatose mind that's being sustained by injections and injections of the poison we call caffeine, to the extent that one just begs for euthanasia of a certain sort.

the Lord knows that i have enough to deal with at this present time. and for the love of all that's good in this world, i really don't need any additional drama. so spare me those playbacks. i hate repetitions.

perhaps i ought not to be so complicit in my own mental suicide. resolution for the new year? yeah, that would qualify.

nothing makes my heart palpitate beyond the power of caffeine. save alcohol. or maybe it's the hunger pangs that are playing their game. whichever it is, i can't put my finger on it.

i totally wasn't tailor-made for this world, i'll grant you that.

it's a beautiful day.

don't waste your time.

so I backslid into the state of non-blogging again.i don't know why; it seems as though i've almost lost the tenacity and reason to blog. which is crazy, since loads have happened since the last entry; but i guess one of the big issues is that i've fallen into a mental/emotional/psychological rut, with regards to that big lump of grey matter sitting under my skull. the poor thing has been beleaguered by an array of signs pinpointing its severe incompetency - from losing to the boy at games like bongo, to screwing the presentation by coming up with 7 pages of utter crap, to scoring a pitiable score of 122 for the IQ test on facebook. well, these things just keep coming at you and you realize what a nincompoop you've been all along. no As for the squee this sem. hooray.

i just wish i was smarter, you dig?

but anyhow, so i've been cooped up like a turtle, frantically collecting eggs on fluff friends and trading them at the forum. hello escapism. and yet, i know there are shitloads of stuff just dashing towards me with all their doom and gloom. which just plunges me further into PMS [and yes, the P stands for perpetual]. woe is joe.

and they say i blog like the boy. yeah, well; touche.

still, i guess there's been some good out of all that bad. the japan trip, when you decide to overlook the freaking crowds and bitch of a weather with the winds that threatened to blow me over to antartica, it was pretty much some kinda dream come true. as far as reality goes, i guess it wasn't too bad. what mattered was that the boy was with me, and we laughed, we had fun. photos are at the facebook account if you're interested; i'm much too lazy to upload them here and blogger is a snail anyway.

and coffee sucks. especially when the opportunity cost [hey, i remember my econs! *waves to naresh*] is snuggling into your nest of pillows under a warm blankee, with puffy the pillow in your arms.

so there's my lifestory for you, thus far. mundane mundane mundane.

why do i bother anyway.