de-void

so we were dancing on stars.

happiness is a dangerous state to be in. every spring necessitates a fall whether taken as noun or verb, so much so that we live in constant albeit mostly subconscious fear of being a sisyphus of the quotidian realm. i've never known anything to be so susceptible to the forces of transcience other than mortals; we never rule out the possiblity of getting used to pain, perhaps, we hold on to that as a life buoy of sorts. but the truth is, you never get used to it. all you know is to live in fear of the moment of the fall, suffering innately and inanely before the clock strikes 12. still, there's always that relief in the tottering about, that balm which helps us to survive the enduring peace. and then, all too soon, it hits us. old friend, old enemy. but never quite in the same form. nothing is as constant or inconstant as pain. love. pain. the eternal paradoxes that we have to deal with. and sometimes, at least, once in the past, i had wished to be done with it all, leaning on the belief that suffering of any form was a mere concealment of the void.

everything is different now. or so i'd like to think.

how can there be something such as nothing, when you are in my heart? i cannot conceive of it, and neither do i wish to. i almost feel thankful for the pain; love can be illusionary, i'd grant you that, but who can ever deny the pain? no. you never forget the pain.

yet i thank God for the pain. it convinces me that this is all real; you are here, and so am i.

and yes. yes. i love you. for although you've ripped and patched my heart before, you also give me wings. and it's because of you, that i dance on stars.

*

[updates on my 21st birthday at unveiledskies.blogspot. sloth prevents me from creating a sugared-down recapitulation of the entry, so make do with the blog that's as elusive as the clouds at midnight.]

the sweetest gift ever.

at the stroke of 12, my darling gave me this.

1112 paper stars that he folded all for me.. 11/12 --> my birthday! and there were beautiful glow in the dark tiny hearts that were soooo pretty.. but the stupid camera can't capture the beauty of the effect. =(

this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. *glows*

i love you baby. so so much. and right now, i seriously think that i'm the most blessed girl on this planet.

prebirthday [part 2.5 - family dinner]

the earlier part of today was spent at pitstop cafe with the boos. but since the fishy photographer is busy with her essay, i shall demand for the photos during a less pressurizing time. here are the photos of dinner with his and my families. [i look fat in almost every pic so i've chosen so only a few shall see the light of day]



he looks so bloody handsome that even after 8 months, he still makes me blush.



the sweetest cake ever. the boy bought it for me, and i think having to recite the mushy words over the phone to the baker was one of the most mortifying things he's ever been through. haha haha.



all of us!! i'm so glad that our families get along fine. *feels blessed* so many many people to love the squee.



haha! caught in a moment of gluttony. that cake is absolute heaven.

now i'm just waiting for the boy to come over and surprise me with the first part of my gift. i'm just glad to be able to spend the last moments of being 20 and the first moments of being 21 in his arms. i can't think of anything more perfect. =)

prebirthday [part 1 - anglican sweeties]

well, it's kinda funny how we started out the celebration by playing mahjong amidst the hokkien crooning of zn. =/ for a moment i felt rather aged [think golden 60th birthday]; and what kinda made it worse was that we all had a heck of time. still.. there's nothing that a bit of fairydust and sparklers can't handle... anyway, i'm happy beyond pompous words, so the rest of this will be a photo blog kk?

























such happy children. (=

*

old friends, best friends. we're nearing a decade of friendship, and i wouldn't want to have it any other way. we've seen each other through so many changes, tears and joy.. and you know that when something's this good, it's special. and it's going to last for life. <3

wake up call.

i hate that navy chair in front of me for reminding me of where i am.

*screams out to all objects*

you knock my head you die!

God.

what does the world want from me? why are the ones who try the most the ones who get hurt the most? where can i find solace? i have the best intentions in the world. i try. i love. where did i go wrong, God? what are my faults? why. why am i like this, God? i've tried, i really have. and i promise that i'll go on trying. but for the rest of my life? God, please work in his heart or mine.

how can pain ever feel good? and why is there the need to dig deeper into my wounds? where can i get the support i need?

God, give me the strength to go on. please. don't leave me alone, because i can't cope.