apologia

to God:

i'm sorry for being a bad daughter, for lack the zeal and biblical knowledge. i pray only when i need You, and i still can't quote from the Bible. i've never read it back to back, and most of all, i can't appreciate the greatest gift that You've given me. i succumb to self loathing as a result of measuring myself against the benchmark that the world constructed, when really, the only benchmark that matters is the negated one which You set, because all reason for Your love for me is based on the basic fact that i am. yet, i'm filled with such greed, and what i strive for is for someone to love me with a love that's exclusive and similarly to become a person worthy of that love. and it seems that no matter what i do, i fall short of that. and i'm not able to protect You from the abuse You're unfairly subjected to and i end up even complicit in it, by laughing instead of crying. what kind of a daughter am i?

to my parents:

i'm not the dutiful, loving daughter that you all expect me to be. i don't do well enough in my studies and as if that was not enough, i don't do well enough in life. i'm not someone who you can brag about; and i talk back more than i should. i don't sleep at 10pm, resulting in making you worry about my health, my mental well being. everything. you'd think that i'd improve after 21 years, but no. i guess not. i wish i was still the little girl i was too. at least then, i made you laugh. and i'm just so incredibly intellectually challenged that it's not funny anymore.

to my boyfriend:

i constantly plague you with my idealism, romanticism.. all those "-ism"s that have no place in the world other than in a literary fantasy world. i impose my insecurities upon you, and reward you with a love that is so self-consuming, double-edged, and i end up usually by upsetting both of us over something that shouldn't even have been an issue at all.

to my friends:

i suck at friendships. i realize that now. i'm too caught up in my own world and problems and when it comes to being a source of support, i fall short. i'm no longer there when you need me, nor do i make an effort to meet up. no excuses made. i'm just too caught up in my "i, i, i, i". my hurt. my pain. my personal self worth [or the lack of it]. i'm no fun to be around with anymore. that is, if i'm even around to begin with. i allow us to grow apart without doing anything about it, without even realizing it.



no fight. where is the fight to be put up? what is the battle that we are faced with? i don't know anymore. it seems that with regards to everything that is important to me, everything that matters, i fall short. i want to make you all happy. i want to be worthy of your love. but no. that's not what happens. i set out with the best intentions which somehow manage to turn around and shoot me in the face.

frankly? i don't know where to go from here, so it would help, if you would just tell me. what can i do, to make you happy? because i don't know anymore. i don't know how to be myself.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry, i'm sorry i'm sorry.

but don't you forget, anyone of you, all of you. that i do love you. i just screwed up.

oh God, what should i do?